goodbye....

I could always talk with her. And she could talk with me. I remember a night of exchanging advices on boys (or rather how to cope with my mom’s strict boys rules). I remember her pushing me toward this boy I liked, to ride on his motorbike. I gave her a frightened look, thinking about my mom and her rules, but she pushed me forward again and said: “Go, I’ll handle your mom!” It was the best motorbike ride ever. I remember her writing me letters of heartaches about her boyfriend at that time, a guy we both knew, asking me to get some sense into him. She once told me with pride how she met her husband, wearing the top I gave her, and telling me she hooked him up and not the other way around, her husband was on the other side of the room, blushing. I couldn’t help but laugh. She could always make me smile. I remember going to the mall with her, she was heavily pregnant then, trying her best to keep up with us walking. I played countless times with her eldest daughter, who wanted to wear my shoes all the time, she was 2. And I still see her lying on her bed when she gave birth to her second child. I remember shopping cluelessly for a baby gift, I was clueless then when it came to newborns. I was clueless. Period. We are living on borrowed time.
She passed away this morning. She left a loving husband and two children behind. The eldest whom I just spoke on the phone with, she was 2 the last time I saw her. I couldn’t help myself, I tried not to cry. But when I heard her childlike voice, my voice broke. And as children only can, she saw through my defenses and told me not to be sad.
My dearest cousin, rest in peace. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for saying goodbye. I know. I felt it. Give my love to your mom and your sister. I know you are with them now. Tell them I love them. I always have. Tell them your loved ones you left behind are all going to be alright. They know how to survive. They were given the best ingredient for it. They were raised with so much love. Rest in peace.