....baby blues.....

Browsing through my diary, I found this entry dating almost a year after my first child was born.

September 22 2009
I used to say to myself when I was younger that I will not and never be a stay-at-home mom. It wasn’t a disrespect to those who were. I just didn’t know better. Years later, I realize I was disrespecting them. Prejudices and all that stuff. And I tell you, it is the hardest job there is. My days now consists of doing household chores and taking care of my son when he is not at the grandparents. (not to mention actually being responsible for a human being!) Yesterday was one of those days I have come to terms with. Though my son was at the grandparents, the day was harder than I expected it to be. Doing household chores practically the whole day made me want to go back to work again just to avoid having to do all of these again, ever! I was tired physically and mentally. Was this it? Is this my life going to be? Never have I wanted to finish my studies so bad so I can go back to the real world. There where everybody else was and not here where I am. Spent the night ignoring my significant other because I was too tired, though I knew he was tired too working his ass off the whole day and then going to a work meeting the same night. But of course, your pain is the pain you always see first. Which is pretty egoistic but you have no control on morals on moments like these. Thus it makes me guilty sometimes. Complaining about my domestic life, not being content on what I have. I know friends who would swap places with me in a second. And through all the chaos and tiredness those same friends make it real for me.
I should be so lucky to have household chores making me crazy most of the time, to have a sweet and loving significant other whom I can ignore on my bad days and take it all in like a gentleman, to have a son who could make me go down on my knees to pray but have all that frustrations go away with just one word…mama. I should be so lucky. And after I have let out all of my frustrations, and talked with my Lief about the tiresome day I’ve had, and after a kiss from my son……yes… I do feel lucky. I am lucky. I could want more. But this is my world. The real world. And I am lucky to be where I am, there where some are not……

……a few weeks later, I was diagnosed with PPD.

Postpartum depression (PPD), also called postnatal depression, is a form of clinical depression which can affect women, and less frequently men, after childbirth. Postpartum depression occurs in women after they have carried a child, usually in the first few months, and may last up to several months or even a year.[2] Although a number of risk factors have been identified, the causes of PPD are not well understood. Many women recover with a treatment consisting of a support group or counseling.[3][4]
Symptoms of PPD can occur anytime in the first year postpartum[6] and include, but are not limited to, the following:
• Sadness[6]
• Hopelessness[6]
• Low self-esteem[6]
• Guilt[6]
• A feeling of being overwhelmed
• Sleep and eating disturbances[6]
• Inability to be comforted[6]
• Exhaustion[6]
• Emptiness[6]
• Anhedonia[6]
• Social withdrawal[6]
• Low or no energy[6]
• Becoming easily frustrated[6]
• Feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby[6]
• Impaired speech and writing
• Spells of anger towards others
• Increased anxiety or panic attacks
• Decreased sex drive – see Sex after pregnancy
Treatment
Numerous scientific studies and scholarly journal articles support the notion that postpartum depression is treatable using a variety of methods. If the cause of PPD can be identified, under “social risk factors,” treatment should be aimed at mitigating the root cause of the problem, including increased partner support, additional help with childcare, cognitive therapy, etc.
Women need to be taken seriously when symptoms occur. This is a twofold practice: First, the postpartum woman will want to trust her intuition about how she is feeling and believe that her symptoms are real enough to tell her significant other, a close friend, and/or her medical practitioner; erring on the side of caution will go a long way in the treatment of PPD.[6] Second, the people in whom she confides must take her symptoms seriously as well, aiding her with treatment and support. Partners, friends and physicians may notice changes in a postpartum mother that she may not. Knowing that PPD is treatable with a variety of methods can make persistence in seeking treatment easier.
Various treatment options include:
• Medical evaluation to rule out physiological problems
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (a form of psychotherapy)
• Possible medication
• Support groups
• Home visits/Home visitors
• Healthy diet
• Consistent/healthy sleep patterns..

I hope that other mothers will recognize this and know that they are not alone, that it is okay to feel very lost and realize and accept that there is help. You need only ask.